Ever get the feeling you’re being followed? No matter which website I go to or what I’m looking for, I get cyber stalked by an ever-smiling, headset-sporting member of staff. The same member of staff.
This woman has been plying her wares across the globe for years, often working for several companies at the same time. In the spirit of legendary investigator Dirk Gently, I set out on a mission to track her down.
Tools Of The Trade
Among an arsenal of tools at the disposal of an investigative journalist, is a nifty little thing called ‘Google Image Search’. By simply uploading an image of our mystery woman, I was able to ascertain her true identity:
Google has unmasked this duplicitous scam-artist as none other than Contact Us Girl. As we begin to delve into her past, we uncover a woman of many talents…
An eye for fashion
Unrivaled financial acumen
Passed the BAR
Supreme technical expertise
An eye for fabulous holiday destinations
Artistic with a scalpel…
…and a dental drill
Contact Us Girl has also dabbled in hospitality, career advice, sales training, business strategy, language teaching, web design, recruitment, and gambling.
If The Shoe Fits…
Clearly, our fly-by-night is a high level imposter, seemingly able to turn her hand to any task. As befitting her name, Contact Us Girl has also spent a significant amount of time perfecting her ‘contact us now’ smile:
Despite her undeniable talents, life wasn’t always rosy for Contact Us Girl. After being caught stealing chips by the pitt boss at her casino job, she went dark for several months, fleeing across the globe and changing her identity. After setting up her own jungle safari business in Southern India, she posed as the suave businessman ‘Rajesh Tiwari':
And an Argentinian cleaning lady
And occasionally, a trucker
Where Is She Now?
After going off piste with her previous ventures, I tracked Contact Us Girl down on LinkedIn, this time masquerading as global head-hunter ‘Kelsey Johnson’
Based in Argentina, yet graduated from the Russian University of Humanities – sounds about right for this cunning trickster. But I’m at a loss as to what to do now. How do I figure out if this is really her?
What Would Dirk Do?
An avid practitioner of holistic investigationism, Dirk, when faced with a brick wall such as this, would no doubt try to look at the bigger picture. How might Contact Us Girl be connected to the wider world?
Let us return to Google Image Search, this time using the text lookup feature:
Shit. This master of disguise has now obtained Mission Impossible face mask technology!
Bitten Off More Than I Can Chew
After tracking her across decades and continents, this final twist has brought me right back to square one. One man alone cannot carry this burden. Please, help me track down Contact Us Girl – let me know if you see her and what she’s up to now.
My plea is simple, but not without risk. A master of every discipline, this ageless and faceless master phonesmith will ensnare you with a single look, extracting your money and ultimately, your soul. You have been warned.